How Does Sex Change in Midlife? What Are the Best Toys for Avoiding Clitoral & Vaginal Atrophy? What Body & Sex Changes Do Men Go Through? What's a Kink Coach? And Why Did Martha Have One Help With Her Podcast Launch? (Season 1 BONUS Episode)

Martha: 0:00

Hey there here's what's coming up in this episode.

Tara: 0:03

So when you're roleplaying, you are roleplaying. It's just like meditation. It's hard not to let those thoughts come in, like, I need to buy bananas at the. Door tomorrow, blah. But you just push 'em away. You say, yes darling, that's exactly what I want, . And you just go with it. Overact if you have to.

Martha: 0:22

Welcome to the My Aloof Vagina Podcast, where we explore the distress and surprise of our midlife transitions. We take menopause seriously, but we don't take ourselves seriously. We believe that learning what to expect in perimenopause can be entertaining. It's inevitable, so we may as well equip ourselves and have a good time. I'm your host, Martha. And this episode is just a little bit different. You may have noticed that it's longer. But it's a recovered. Celebration from when I launched the podcast, I had done a live stream for Galentine's day and brought my friend Tara on and. That seemed appropriate because a conversation with Tara. A few years ago led to this podcast. It was that conversation with her. When I realized I wanted to do this. So it's been on the YouTube as a video. And. I realized I wanted to share parts of it with you. And so I cut it as best I could so that anything we were doing as far as visual. Gags and some demonstrations she'd done. that I cut those out. Cause that would be annoying if you were listening to it. But if you do want to see. Those gags or you do want to see her demonstrations when she's talking about different things. You'll understand when you get there. You can always go to YouTube and watch it. It's under the streaming tab. In its entirety in all of its glory. Including me opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate the lunch of the pod, including me and my sequined shirt and all these other things. That were part of the. Visual nature of a video livestream, but. I kind of hated that it was just sitting out there and I wasn't using it. And so I. Toyed with it a little bit and tried to get it ready for you in case you wanted to listen and enjoy that celebration. By the way as always anything we talk about during the show is referenced in the show notes for each episode links, more details photos, those kinds of things. You can find them any time right there in your podcast app or at myaloofvagina.com I'm ready to celebrate. It's been two years and it was two years because I was distracted and I had other things on my mind, and I was living for something and somebody else and not doing my stuff. so that conversation that you and I had back in 2021 it revealed to me that, you know, as much as I love business and I'm all about business and wanna talk about business all day, what I really like to talk about is intimacy and health and sex and sexual health. And I like to laugh. so because of the conversation with. this podcast was born, this, everything was born.

Tara: 3:01

Thank you, darling. Congratulations.

Martha: 3:05

Thank you. Do I So excited.

Tara: 3:07

I'm so, I'm so excited to see what you do and to listen to every single podcast and see who else you bring on. And At this time of our life, we really have to start thinking about what's important to. And I'm a woman. That's probably the base thing is I'm a woman. Yeah. And with that comes everything else. Yeah. So I think maybe that's what you're focusing on now, too.

Martha: 3:29

A hundred percent. I would say like, so we're, you're a little younger than I am, just a tad, but we're both your Gen X also, right? you're gen Generation X. So Gen X is kind of coming into this whole menopause thing and perimenopause thing a little differently than our moms did. Mm-hmm., um, and the elder millennials are also in it. So we're all in this thing together cuz it can start so early and it can go so late and it can last a decade. So we've got all this crossover what I'm excited about is it seems to me that their resources that are available and the information is tailored to us. And we kind of, you know, as the latchkey kids and as the kids who, you know, got sent out and told to come back after the streetlights were on, it got locked out on summer days we kind of felt our own way for a lot of things. we were not an economic force like the boomers mm-hmm.. Mm-hmm.. And we weren't the focus of our parents' lives necessarily. Mm-hmm. like the millennials. And so as this kind of in between generation, We are feeling our way with this too. And the difference that excites me is that we're not gonna just sit back and be quiet about it. And we're not just gonna suffer. And, I hope is to help people know what to expect and help us all to kind of navigate it with humor and with open communication and maybe help us so we don't get surprised by. Yeah, so for people who don't know, I'm just gonna call Tara's many, many things. Tara is a legend in my professional history, . she's a woman I've looked up to for years. She's amazing dynamic and has such a broad, I don't know well of knowledge in this area in lots of areas, but in this area specifically, which is why I brought her on and. Right now we were discussing before we got on like, what am I gonna say? And so the easiest way to describe Tara will be that she's a kink coach. So she's a kink coach. So that's the, she had to put on the business card. but I'll let her talk to you a little bit more about what she's doing and what a kink coach does and What does a kink coach know that you might need to know as you're navigating this as a woman or as someone who loves a.

Tara: 5:35

Tara, absolutely.

Martha: 5:37

What do you think?

Tara: 5:37

Where should I start?. You're right, I do. I wear a lot of hats. I like the word dynamic. That's a pretty cool word cuz I went from, as you know, where we met selling sex toys. You know, slinging thes, , , moving forward, slingers, slingers, you know, we had to start somewhere. And then moving forward, working with couples a lot cuz I met women at parties that needed some help. And then starting to go to classes and workshops and getting certifications in different things. I'm certified in many different things such as tantra. Touch therapy, a lot of different things. and the way that I think that it really helps people who are, especially in our age bracket, is that as we're starting to change and evolve and accept that what turned me on when I was 18 and 20 and 30, isn't working anymore. I need something different. well, we have to get creative. We have to start to look at stuff, I find a lot of people are coming to me in this age group because they're looking for more exploration. What's kink? What's ds? What's B D S M? What are all these words? What does it mean? Remember when 50 Shades of Gray came.

Martha: 6:48

I'm taking notes. Taking notes cause it's all these words. I don't know. Cause we always joke that I'm so vanilla and you're like, you're not vanilla, I'm, you're not

Tara: 6:55

vanilla. You might be

Martha: 6:57

open and

Tara: 6:58

curious. Yes. What you can be open and curious I don't think there's very many vanilla people. I think most people have curiosity, even if it's only in their head and they've never shared it with anyone. But I. Share it. It's time. You have somebody that you have a lover, a playmate, a partner, a husband. What's that like? You can share it with them and tell them you're, you're fancy. What, what was that? but yeah, people are coming to me more and more wanting to know how can I spice up my love life? basically means things have gotten stale or things aren't feeling the same. That used to feel really. right? So that's where we can start adding some stuff. so we can start getting creative and we can use our imagination and our fantasy. I was mentioning 50 Shades of Gray because I remember I was still doing parties when that came out, the books, and they were terrible. The worst. I mean, and I'm not even shy about saying it, however, it did open some eyes. It did get some people interested.

Martha: 7:54

the thing about 50 Shades of Gray is I am, I am a conscientious objector. I will not read it. I will not watch it because I was in the business when it came out I also have literature feelings, but at the time, since we were working with people in very. Different situations with, you know, at my parties, my, motto, my motto still today was, life is long, life is long. so you don't know what you're gonna like in 10 years. And if you want to navigate that and be happy, you have to be open to changing and evolving and, and you may need to spice things up. So when it kind of went way over there,. I didn't even know the details of it. it distracted from my primary me message, which was it takes you 20 minutes for your erectile tissue to be fully engorged. Ladies . That was my main message. He needs to slow down and give you time., you know, you, you to meet in the middle. Start early. So I that message and then you're like, what about

Tara: 8:47

handcuffs?

Martha: 8:48

Yeah. Yeah. Right. so I, I have, so that's why I'm in the face,

Tara: 8:51

while we're talking about it, so, the B D S M community, and I do not speak for them, but I can speak for myself because I am a full member of the BD s m community, happily. And when the books. Membership card. I mean probably, sorry, there's F Life profiles. Those are cards. Oh, . No, you can't say it, but I'm taking it. Yeah. Okay. So when the books came out and people started asking me questions, I had to be really careful because the issue with the books in my community is that it wasn't realistic. protocols weren't followed correctly. Safety measures weren't followed correctly. Consent was not followed correctly. So there is a. effed up stuff in that book. The only reason I'm bringing up now is because someone might read it and get some ideas. It might get their, their engines churning. Right. And that's the whole purpose of it all You know, trying something different, looking into something new. Right. I'm not saying that 50 Shades is a B D S M workbook. It is not. It's a fantasy. and we should look at it as that.

Martha: 9:50

So it's like Eroica, It's, it's all,

Tara: 9:52

all it's is Eroica.

Martha: 9:54

Yeah. And it's Eroica. And so where I appreciated that, just to go back, is that maybe you can start 15 minutes early. If you can say, I'm gonna take a few minutes to read my book and get into a headstart, whatever the book is, right.

Tara: 10:07

Totally. Erotica is a big one for people. Oh, yeah. Erotica is huge. Most women prefer erotica over porn.

Martha: 10:14

Sure. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm., because it's in between our ears in a different way. Yes,

Tara: 10:20

yes. That's why it was so popular.. Martha: yeah. And you could kind kind of just put it on your Kindle and nobody knew. You're reading s smut on this. Nobody knew. so, , it's just about finding different ways, different things to spice things up. And so people are coming to me a lot more as a kink coach to say, you know, how do I explore my feminine dominant side? I don't think I have one. and that's okay. It may be just a role play situation, or you may find that you really do have an inter dominant. Inside of you, or my husband wants to spank me and I'm really scared he's gonna hurt me. Well, let's have a spanking lesson. That is a thing. I wanna tie someone up and I don't know how. Let's have a class. Let's learn. Let's watch a video. Let's actually get together and do it and try it. You know, let's go to a dungeon. Have a fun date night. You know? so people are coming to me for all kinds of stuff, wanting to know. Anything you can think of or just simply coming to me saying, I need help. What can I do? And that's where I just start asking questions like, what's going on? What's happening?, what's your love life looking like? What's your sex life looking like? What's your intimate life looking like? These are all different things, right? Yeah. Um, so that's where I come in and that's where I'm really enjoying being able to help people fulfill their fantasies or create some fantasies or just to explore.

Martha: 11:38

so when people are contacting you for this Yeah. People in our age bracket. Mm-hmm., I know they're, they're older people too, but the people in our age bracket, if it's not specifically to spice it up, which it may end up being ultimately what they need anyway, what are the kind of concerns that they bring to your attention? And I know you're not a doctor, we're not type medical stuff, but I think one of my goals is to normalize., the idea that there are a lot of changes that we go through and they affect lots of things in our lives. It's not just hot flashes. Mm-hmm. and wrinkles and brain fog. Right. It's things that you might even recognize are related and that are normal parts of aging we should not feel bad about, and they're not necessarily symptoms as much as stages and attributes of this new season in our lives. for instance, I will share, cuz everyone knows it, and I might as well, is

Tara: 12:27

this your canary in the cage? Your Yeah, so my

Martha: 12:29

canary in the coal mine was that. Oh, cool. I, yeah, but I, it's in a cage too, especially if I'm, you know, into b dsm,. So I had been practicing celibacy which wasn't unusual for me as a single person. And when I did finally have sex again with someone who showed up in my life, right? So it was kind of a surprise and they hadn't warmed up or anything. and it was an unusual circumstance for me. the little kind of pocketbook caring version of me was like, what am I doing right? So there's a lot of the mental stuff involved. things didn't work the way they'd worked before, and for me it was not having the same response, not being as sensitive physically to touch and then not reaching orgasm as easily with certain things. And so I was disappointed and alarmed and went and researched and found reasons that this could happen to me at my age. The thing that we don't like to talk about clitoral atrophy, which is like the trademark affliction of this whole podcast thing, only because it freaked us out and scared us straight. The idea that maybe I had done some damage to myself by being celibate for all that time and not masturbating and not taking care of things and that it might not be reversible. Turned out that wasn't actually what the issue was, but it was potential. It's common and it could have been something irreversible if I'd gone longer. That was when I knew, before that I didn't have any idea that I was in perimenopause at all. things that I now know were symptoms. Doctors didn't matter what I brought to them. They're like, oh, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And I realize now it was a long stage, but that was the canary in the coal mine my sexual organs just being not so impressed with what was going on. was the thing that alerted me. And then I went on a self-improvement course and deep dive as I do research, research, research. And as I started talking to other people, there were different things, different women. It's different things that are the indicators for them. The one weird symptom that they're like, what is this? then when they really unpack it all realize that was the sign that their estrogen was dropping, that their body was changing, that they were in full-blown perimenopause. So I imagine, because I look at everything through that lens now, that when people reach out, people who maybe aren't in the kink community and people who haven't done anything like that before, reach out to a kink coach., there's probably some crossover there at this age where it's aging related somehow. Mm-hmm.. So I'm just curious. That's a Long preamble, but

Tara: 15:03

Well, thank you for sharing your canary, I think everybody has one. I think there's another, and this might be a, a future podcast idea, but when you saw your friends. and what their canaries were like. I'll never forget I was having a party and all of a sudden a woman just laid down on the floor and I was like, what is happening? And someone said, oh, she's having a hot flash. And I was like, is she okay? You know, and she just laid down on the floor. and she just sprawled out and she was like, okay, f this. I'm just getting some air. and I remember that was the first time. I really remember my friends talking about it like openly. So this is why we need to talk about it more, you know, the more we see each other expressing it and going through these things and talking about it. But some people do come to me, and I'll be honest, it's mostly men. It's mostly men now there are not suffering from the Perry like we are, but there's going through a lot of changes too. Um, so I have men and women come to me most of the time when men come to me. They're having, erectile issues. And most people would think that that means.. I'm just gonna use terms that I feel like most people would understand, and please don't make comments saying I'm using inappropriate or sexist terms because I know that, right. not meaning you, I mean in

Martha: 16:12

the comments. Um, well, this shouldn't be a snowflake place like I just talked about my career. I hope not. I hope not. So if you're easily offended, you should have left by now.

Tara: 16:20

Yeah, so most people would think that men's issues would be like premature ejaculation, Or erectile difficulty. And yeah, those are issues. But another issue that doesn't get talked about is loss of sensitivity, lack of actual force during an orgasm, not being able to orgasm. being right there and not being able to get over the hump and having had no issue for 40 years, 50 years, and then all of a sudden not being able to orgasm. I mean, imagine that, these are things that happen. These are changes that happen in men as well. They. Lose their libido, all kinds of things. And they're sometimes medicine related, most of the time, age related. Sometimes they're psycho, connected. Um, women are coming to me with a lot of the issues that we've talked about in the past. A lack of sensitivity, emotional dryness, painful sex, painful breasts. Hair loss. I mean, ev there, it can run the gamut. Every woman is so different. That's why you can't be, oh, if one of these five signs is affecting you, you're in perimenopause. It's just not how it is, you know? So when these people come to me, the first things that I do, it's like you said, you research research, right? But it really is about, you know, there's no simple cure and some of these things can't be reversed and it's hard to accept that. but so, That's what we have to do. We have to accept that this has changed. That just means that we can find our pleasure in different ways. It doesn't mean we can't have pleasure. We don't deserve pleasure. We're too old for pleasure, bullshit. We can have pleasure. We just may have to find it in different ways. We may need to add some things. We may need to try h r. We may need to try Viagra. We may need to try vibrators moisturizing lubricants. We may need to try, taking some classes, doing some body work, some self-image work, doing some sensate focus exercises to start to get our sensation back and touching our own bodies and paying attention to how we feel instead of how our partner. We need to start touching ourselves more looking inward and really working on ourselves and reading the books, and going to the podcasts, and participating in the discussions reaching out for help, talking to your therapist. Going to a sex therapist. Going to a sex coach.

Martha: 18:31

Or a kink coach. here's a thing that's interesting about it. this is what you did for me two years ago. you reframed things and shifted my mindset on it. Just with the idea that one, it was okay for me to still wanna have sex cuz I was getting the message from other people who are feeling differently about sex. At 50 friends who said, whoa, what? Ugh. Like you still wanna do that. Like there are people who were at that stage because of the stage of their relationship or the choices for their life, and that's totally fine, but I was not ready for. But I was chasing what used to be The measuring stick I was gauging myself by and my experience by was what I could do before. And he and I were both doing that. We were both focused on, specifically here, guys here we're getting graphic p and l vaginal sex and having an orgasm during that, which in my mind I was a champ at. I was fine. That's never my problem. And now it wa I wasn't the champ. And because I was talking about how I was the champ, he's also thinking. Like he wants to accomplish it for himself, and I'm getting caught in that. And the two of us, very goal oriented people., very controlling people. Commanding people are just like, we're, we're like, come on. Yeah, America, fuck. Yeah. Like we were a team to make this happen. And the more we focused on that being something that always happened all the time instead of occasionally. The more I got in my head about it, and the more he probably did too. And it got me anxious. And after I talked to you, I remembered what the whole point is, which is to feel pleasure and enjoy each other and connect. And so then it shifted how I saw it 100%. So for me, that's the message of midlife with lots of things. It's not, people are like, oh, I don't want sex, or, oh, this is a sex talk. That's not for me. This is bigger than sex. it's consciousness. It's about being aware that things are gonna be different because it's also our faces, it's our skin, it's our body, skin, it's our muscles. all of these things. And to I. Adapt to that is not necessarily to accept becoming an old unhealthy person or, or becoming prematurely old, surrendering to sarcopenia. It's recognizing that you need to adapt what you're doing to get the best out of what you can now in our life now. Yeah. And so., that's where you blew my mind once again a couple years ago. So I do wanna share a couple things before we get to this next part of it, cuz we're gonna keep talking. Um, first of all, I have these sweary affirmations that my friend gave me, and

Tara: 21:00

I have those, oh, yay. These,

Martha: 21:03

these today. I pulled this one. It says, Fuck. Yes, I can. Fuck. Yes I can. And I thought, that's exactly, can I get on Facebook and still put on my, on my personal page and openly talk about my clitoris and my orgasms? Yes, I can, because its gonna help other people too. Because I think if you know that this has happened to me, maybe it's not such a crazy thing if you have some dry skin, like Right, like or some other, oh, your canary is something else Someone else has a similar one, and through the episodes we're talking with the different people. The truth is It's just like a playlist and we all have a different shuffle., right? So we don't all get all of the symptoms. We don't have 'em at the same time. We don't have 'em in the same sequence and we don't all match. But it is a collection of songs that are potential and are just the things that show up as we're navigating and changing and adapting to this whole stage. That's what I hope to do with the podcast as I talk to more people because there are things that I now, I'm learning about things I've never even heard of If someone had told me before, I wouldn't have had to go down this downward spiral of shame and embarrassment, you know, short lived, cuz you know me. But there was some shame and embarrassment and also, Concern cuz I thought I had done it to myself, I had wasted time. So as a cheeky reminder to keep in touch and know when the next episodes come out, and have access to goodies. Join my mailing list. I won't mail you all the time, I'm too lazy. But you will get occasional emails from me and you will know when the episodes are coming and you will get access to goodies and you just go to sisterhood. Dot my aloof vagina.com and you can sign up there. And if you love this show, if you're loving this, please leave a review about the podcast. Let me know how I'm doing . Okay, now back scheduled programming. Hi, . Hi. So, who knew that all this knowledge, I'd be able to like dredge it up 20 years later and just use it again. We know. I know. It's ok. being a sex educator was my favorite work ever. If I'm really honest with myself, I, felt the most fulfilled and had the most fun. the thing with the vo puppet that makes me laugh is not laugh. It's actually sad. It's becau it's because we can't see it ourselves because it's facing that. And it's really hard to get in a position that you can like see it, right? Like with a mirror like you ha, you need to video. Now we have iPhones. You know what? Probably this what I'm talking about is an old Gen X problem. Probably everyone nowadays can look at their own vulva with their phone and I just revealed that. I haven't even thought of that yet, but, , I will probably do that. Now that I remember that I have a little video camera in, in my

Tara: 23:41

pocket. I, I recommend almost every woman has one of those floor length mirrors. You know, you do your hair, you check your outfit. I recommend taking it off the damn wall, sitting it against the bed, sitting on the floor against a wall or something comfortable turning the lights. Down a little bit. Lighting a candle, putting on some music. Nothing too glaring. Performing yourself. Go into a fantasy, read a little eroica, or watch a little ero. Whatever gets you going, touch your body and then look at yourself slowly unfold., bring back the veil, take a look and then watch what happens. This for me, probably about 15 years ago, I was taking a workshop, a really special one, and that was my homework, and the homework was to journal and write down the changes that I noticed as I became more aroused.. I never, and this was only 15 years ago, so I was 35 and I didn't know. So nobody should be ashamed if they don't know. Use your iPhone. Get a mirror. It's your body. You're allowed to do whatever you want. Do it right, including look at it . So

Martha: 24:54

do it right. And imagine, imagine.. I can't believe I just had that revelation about the iPhone while I was live on Facebook. I, hopefully there's no one watching. This is just you and me talking, but Sure, sure. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I didn't even think about that.. Yeah, but it's interesting, the whole thing about how it changes.

Tara: 25:12

I brought a couple of, you know, when women are talking to me and they're having, you know, issues or a lot of people just come to me for a recommendation on a really good vibrator.. because there's so many out there, Yeah. And you're looking on the websites, you're looking on the zon, and you're just like, what the, you know, do I spend $4 or do I spend a hundred dollars? so I brought a couple that are my personal favorites, and these are the two that I highly recommend to every woman when they reach out to me. Do you wanna. I

Martha: 25:42

do, I'm gonna be taking notes again. Yes, please. Cuz I don't know what these are.

Tara: 25:45

Do you remember

Martha: 25:45

Lilo's? Oh, yes. The best brand. I still have some Lilo products.

Tara: 25:50

Okay, so the Lilo Siri that's probably the number one vibrator. It's just a vibrator. That's all it is. It's rechargeable. It's silicone, which is body safe. It's waterproof, splashproof. It's got easy buttons. It's nice and curved. It's beautiful. It's oval. It's easy to hold. It's great. It locks for when you travel. It won't come on in your suitcase. Thank God. It's God's great. It's

Martha: 26:14

awesome. That's my number on your toothbrush. That's my electric toothbrush. Right. That's going off in my carryon. They know.

Tara: 26:20

They know. They know. They do not care.

Martha: 26:22

They don't care. They don't care. before we go to the next one. So when, when we were doing parties and I would travel, that was how I could do se um, sex tr, tax deductable, do the deductible tax deductible travel, and I would say to my friends, host a party and I can come visit you. I wouldn't check my kit, right? It's way too valuable. So I would put my kid in my carry on and check my clothes. people were like, oh my gosh, you go through security like that. And I said, you know what? I kind of feel like it's a little bit less embarrassing. Not that it's embarrassing at all., but to go through security with 15 vibrators in your bag, right. Then one, because obviously something's going on, I think. Yeah, right. It's a professional case. I used to love it when they would have to stop me and I'd be like, okay, well this is gonna be a treat for you. And I would , I would they, as they could come to me, sometimes they knew, sometimes they didn't know before the guy was opening it, and I'd say, you know, , there's gonna be a lot of fun stuff in there. And they go, oh, and they open it up and it's like, . All the things. All the things. Yes. Bright colors, , they would always turn it, then they would like turn it and like, hold up the lid. It's like they didn't want the rest of the people in line to see this bag of fun . Anyway, so the next, let's go back to the, to the next vibrator.

Tara: 27:30

so the next vibrator, this is a super ridiculously popular one that did not exist when we were doing parties. And the original name of this toy, don't write this name down. Okay. But the original name was the womanizer. blech

Martha: 27:44

Ick

Tara: 27:44

That was the name I know. And it sold, I don't even know how many. So many, because it was state of the art. So what it does is it simulates oral sex.

Martha: 27:54

Okay.

Tara: 27:55

Mm-hmm.. I knowww

Martha: 27:56

Okay.

Tara: 27:56

And so now this is the newer type, and this one's made by Lelo So it's got the warranty, it's got the silicone. It's got all the stuff.

Martha: 28:03

All the stuff while you're grabbing it, you know, I have enough womanizer in my life. I just recovered from a womanizer. I don't need any more womanizers, right? The whole reason I'm here talking about this stuff is because of a womanizer. Trauma. Trauma.

Tara: 28:17

No. Womanizers,

Martha: 28:18

no. So I'm glad they changed the name.

Tara: 28:19

No womanizers.

Martha: 28:20

So what's the new name?. Tara: I did own a womanizer. Um, and it was awesome. Just for the sake of saying it was actually really great. Um, I've been stumped. Martha: Oh, that's okay. We'll add it to the show. notes

Tara: 28:33

I'm so sorry. I don't know

Martha: 28:35

That's alright. Well just show us the features and womanizer . Okay. So this is the Lilo. If I

Tara: 28:42

had my phone, it would take you two seconds to find the name of it. Um, so this is a Lilo product. It's really beautiful and sleek. It comes with like a little black bag, And this one is totally waterproof. So the controls are really easy. It's an on and an off. And then in the middle are your functions. So you get some fun different pulsing and stuff. This is the important part. So when you turn it on, what it does is it puff.. It literally puffs air, I can't even simulate it. It's like a ppa pop pop. and in vibrate,

Martha: 29:12

I'm high again. Okay. Okay. So that's not suction, it's puffing. It's

Tara: 29:16

not suction it's more of a puffing. Mm-hmm., and keep this in mind ladies. It doesn't have to go right over your clitoris. I know she's sensitive. I get it. try it another places. It doesn't have to go right there. But CLI

Martha: 29:28

adjacent is fine. Clitoris adjacent CLI is great.

Tara: 29:31

So try it anywhere you want. For me. I like it right below. the top part is kind of under my clitoris. Um, oh yeah. And oh my gosh. Amazing. It's like amazing. I don't even know how to explain it. This is the best toy. I don't even know. I wish. I'm so sorry. I don't know the

Martha: 29:47

name. put it right in. Showing No, I'm right now.

Tara: 29:49

Okay. Now this, so what do you have? This one, ? Okay. This one's called the Enigma, right? Which also happens to be the number one played soundtrack in BDSM Dungeons. Just

Martha: 29:58

saying, um, is it really, I, by the way, have a. Enigma when we were talking, because ahead of time you mentioned it and I, and we had to get on. I'm like, well, I don't wanna forget to ask about the Enigma. So, very exciting.

Tara: 30:11

So this is the Enigma again, another Lilo item. I happen A Love Lilo. And you can charge it at your laptop or wherever. Um, perfect. It's so let's pretend we only have this, this is a A shaft. This is something that can go inside of you it's so curved, yet really flexible. It's also kind of wide and it's like squared, but overal Okay? Okay. So it can give you pressure. So this is gonna be inserted.

Martha: 30:39

Vaginas are different. Some people whose vaginas are more

Tara: 30:41

shallow than other. It's true. That is true, but this one, like the other toy right's, the other one? Mm-hmm.. So now you have the inserted part, and now you have boom, Right against your clitoris. Right below it. Right above it wherever you want. So now you have your penetration and your clitoral stimulation all at the same time. And guess what? This vibrates. awesome. The same as this. Control it Dave, and it can go back

Martha: 31:03

and. Okay. And then what I like about that one is that you can bend it Mm-hmm., it's not one that size fits all.

Tara: 31:09

Right. So it It's important the spacing between, yeah. So this one I love because this whole thing vibrates not just the tip, It's got a really strong motor too, and it does this thing where it can go back and forth, But when we're talking about. Moisture issues, sensitivity issues, et cetera. it's really important that we continue to masturbate. You wanna use a good lube, But it's important that we not just masturbate our clitoris, but we masturbate inside as well, because yes, inside is where our natural mucus membranes are. And I'm not gonna say they atrophy cause I don't think they do. But we definitely do stop producing moisture as our hormones change and, and reduce. So by using a lubricant, by using a stimulant, You can help to moisten, moisturize. Even just using lubricant on your fingers inside of your vagina is helpful, but also using something like this, especially if you're having some painful penetrative sex, first of all, you wanna talk to your doctor because that could be vegus or something else. So don't just assume it's peri, check with your doctor. But if you do find out that, yeah, it's it's a side effect then you wanna try to make sure to m. outside, inside all the f over

Martha: 32:21

all the places and I will, I mean, I hate to be the bear of bad news once again, but there is vaginal atrophy. During, sorry, , this just keep on coming. There's vaginal atrophy, as one of the things on the playlist and not being penetrated as part of it. Mm-hmm.. And so you need to penetrate and then, You talked to your own doctor, and on some other episode we'll talk about different hormones and things like that. But the hormonal change can mean it kind of just becomes less elastic, less moist, and kind of recedes. And one of the ways to prevent that is sexual activity, penetrative sexual activity. So if you're on your own or masturbating, or even if you're in a relationship, if you're not getting regular penetrative sex, you've got to be using something. do that because again, it's another user LoseIt area, and if you're having pain, absolutely see your doctor because it could be something they could help you with. Or it could be something completely unrelated and you don't wanna just mm-hmm. assume it's from perimenopause. Totally. So, but yes. Sorry, wa, wa. That's okay.

Tara: 33:24

That's ok. What's, that's

Martha: 33:25

a scary, it's a scary word. That's better to know. Yeah. And it's better to know because, and I don't wanna get too much into it tonight and get on my soapbox, but if . . the system cared more, we would know more. If a system was motivated to take care of these details for us, we would know more. We don't know because there's not a lot of motivation for that. it's, it's changing. But there has been an attitude kind of, once we're past reproductive age, worries about a grandma's vagina? Right? What does she need it for? Kind of like they're not spending millions finding ways to make it easier for us in our fifties and sixties. Yeah. Now they do do that with the ed. There's a lot of research. They did a lot but that's the way, it's a lot of things. Things are changing. One of the things that kind of makes. Concerned is the, um, what's the right word to say? This, not too judgey. Um, the , I mean, I'll describe it with a sentence instead. The ways in which people are finding businesses. to serve our fears. Like there, the commodification of perimenopause is shifting and it's not necessarily dealing with inside stuff. So at the same time that I'm excited that businesses are paying attention, dollars are starting to be applied, although not we're anywhere near anything else. it also is rife for all sorts of crazy things and formulas and snake oil., pretend things right, and then we can be, yeah. Kind of victimized because it's so secret that who are you gonna talk to? Yeah. Hopefully you'll talk to your friends. But if no, if there's one there to talk to you and you don't know, there are other ways that you don't know that penetrating yourself or being penetrated can help with your vagina, and you think the only way to do it is this particular cream. Or something, workshop or whatever, then you can end up spending money to solve something that's just a natural shift and solve it in secret because you can't talk about it. Yeah. So, . That's the best. We're talking as I get. Yeah, that's a serious. So let's talk Walka, Walka Waka. Let's talk about my cl. So anyway, um, , that's a very special, ok. That was a very special moment. It was like an afterschool special about vaginal atrophy. But, just think about previous, I don't know about your situation. And and moms are such a weird thing, and grandmas are such a weird thing when we're growing up in such a different way than they did. but I certainly did not get prepared for this. No one told me. Nobody told me. Mm-hmm., it was just a thing they went through silently and suffered silently and mm-hmm.. I just wanna help make it not so silent and not so alone. Cuz we're not actually alone. There's an entire sisterhood, right. There's an entire army of us. Mm-hmm.. Yeah. What other tips do you have before we kind of wrap up and to, and to get back to the sex and away from My concerns about the medical system.

Tara: 36:16

Ask me something a little more specific, Martha. Okay. Tips about,

Martha: 36:20

so, if someone were to come to you who, and I don't know that they would, so this is theoretical cuz maybe these people wouldn't even come to you. But if someone were to present to you somehow, let's pretend it's me. Let's say I'm asking for a friend. So if I were to come to you and say That all sounds good, but even calling it kink is a little outside my comfort zone at 55. Mm-hmm. and. I know that life is long and I wanna do things differently. what are some baby steps I can take to test out things for the adapting part of it. Mm-hmm., like what are some things that I could do that I might not even know? I'd like. that are not too crazy out there, like what could push the envelope but might feel okay for, someone Mm-hmm., who wants to do something different? you know, like what are some things that in your head that are so creative that are access.

Tara: 37:07

Well, I think the first thing that I would do if your friend came to me and asked that question, I would ask questions back. Okay. Okay. Because everybody's different. Yes. Everybody's different and everybody has different kinks or naughty thoughts. Fantasies ideas or things that turn them on. So those are different terms that we can use even. And I might ask them, you know, have you seen anything recently or heard anything that you were kind of like, Hmm, I might like to know a little more about that. Has there been anything in your more recent, activities that been interested in? Oh,

Martha: 37:40

me put on my persona. cause you know, Yeah. So let's say that she's in a relationship and mm-hmm., or, I'm in a relationship and I have been for a few years. Hmm. We're not married. Right. Let's say we're, this is the persona . we've been together for a little while and we've tried some things, but I feel like we already are getting into, you know, he knows it. Twist, twist, poke, poke. Right. You know how you get into the, routine, you probably don't know, but people get into the routine of knowing what works and they continue to do what works. Cuz they know that's the thing that works. Mm-hmm. Which we appreciate. Yeah. Cause we want to be successful. Those of us who are goal. Yeah. But what are things that you could do if you're getting a little too rote? Things that are very access.

Tara: 38:29

Okay. Well, the first thing that I would say to that is that it's really important to remember that some of the best sex is sex with someone that you've really communicated and built trust with. that's why when they know what buttons to push, yes, awesome, but maybe sometimes you want them to push those buttons, but maybe a couple of other buttons too, right? So this is where we might start looking at playing some sexy games, trying some sexy videos. watching something together, talking about each other's fantasies, even something as simple. as putting on a persona. Say tonight your friend is gonna be the naughty school teacher, or she's gonna be the therapist in the office. You've got a pretty office set up What if you were wearing a pencil skirt a corset and you had Yes. Yes. and he walked into the bedroom. and you were sitting there like that with your beautiful legs crossed, just kind of tapping this and touching your body with. And he came in and you told him you've been a naughty boy and you make him masturbate right in front of you. That sounds like straight up my

Martha: 39:35

alley, actually,

Tara: 39:36

okay., I might like it, I'm afraid. That's just an idea. That's one of a trillion ideas, but really what it's about is getting to know the person. cuz there's something in there,

Martha: 39:46

If it's tomorrow and I don't have a riding crop, what could I use and what could I use in my house

Tara: 39:52

oh my gosh. I did an entire class on hotel room B D S M. I really did.

Martha: 39:59

Okay. snaps

Tara: 40:00

I really did.

Martha: 40:00

I believe you.

Tara: 40:01

Um, but you have access to an entire house. Ooh, okay.

Martha: 40:05

I knowww

Tara: 40:05

So we're gonna start with Any, belt that goes around a dress, like a fabric belt. It's perfect for, handcuffs Just wrap it. but when you're playing with someone, it's important to remember, it's fantasy, it's play, so it's okay to wrap it around their wrists and say, you can't move, even though you've not, tied a knot you can just put it there. You don't have to do anything over the top. Just a little tie. Yes,

Martha: 40:31

I have to add.

Tara: 40:32

you're gonna share. Go for it.

Martha: 40:34

You know me so well that you're like, you don't actually have to tie them up, Martha. Because I'm so literal. So literal. a couple years ago we were in bed. and he was telling me a story and he's like, embarassed laughter He's like, he's saying, oh, what if you had, you know, you had shown up. And then we'd gone outside. And I was like, oh, well I, because we were remembering something in our past. I'm like, oh no, I took the bus. He's like, okay, you didn't take the bus. Let's say you had driven yourself. Well, I couldn't drive. He's like, can you please? Just stay in the story. I'm like, but you're using something from our real history and our real life . so I, have a really hard time every time you say something that would've happened that night, I think I would never have done that. so you know me, that I would actually tie someone up with my, dress belt and cause burns.We'd have to cut it. to remove it because I would take it so seriously. Because I'd be like, you're not gonna get out get. out Cause that's, that's who I am. You have to remember it's fantasy.

Tara: 41:35

And you know when my definition of sex, by the way, is adults at play. Yes. That's what my definition of sex is, right? It doesn't mean penis and vagina penetration, it doesn't mean orgasms at the same time. It means we're playing, we're enjoying each other's company. We're finding pleasure from being with the other person or being by ourselves. So when you're roleplaying, you are roleplaying. It's just like meditation. It's hard not to let those thoughts come in, like, I need to buy bananas at the. Door tomorrow, blah. But you just push 'em away. You say, yes darling, that's exactly what I want, . And you just go with it. Overact if you have to. a couple other things around the house. Blindfolds. We all have blindfolds., right? If you don't find a sexy, silky something and just tie, oh, like a sleep mask,

Martha: 42:22

right? Mm-hmm., a sleep mask. Mm-hmm.

Tara: 42:24

sleep mask, aka. A blindfold. Yes. And then something fun you can do is what we call, um, sensation play. Look around your room You can take an earring and dangle it around. You can take a wooden spoon from the kitchen, a plastic spatula, and play with it. You could use, if you wanted a little more painful things just to try something, you can do a little nail play, a little scratching, a little biting, or you could use some clothes pins or hair clips or scrunchies, youknowwhere Everywhere you can take off your high heel and use the heel and drag it along his body. I mean, you can use a heel to spank someone. You can use anything. Everything is, here's a word for you. Everything is PERVERTABLE Martha, everything.

Martha: 43:09

Everything is pervertable Are you kidding me? Because I would say everything is material, but everything is pervertable I love it. That feels like a great place to stop. That's like a catchphrase. So just to revisit for people, if you've gotta do something tomorrow and you wanna do some fun things, this is what you can use from around the house. uh, belt from your dress. You don't have to really tie them up or hurt them. Martha, things that you can use for sensory play when they, they're wearing your sleep mask, um, or any other kind of blindfold spatulas as little spanker things or wooden spoons. Um, your earrings, your fingernails. All of these things that you can do to add some surprise.

Tara: 43:55

Your nylons. Your nylons, your nylons. You can tie those up or put 'em on your hand and now someone else is touching you.

Martha: 44:01

Oh, for solo

Tara: 44:02

play, I'm just saying for solo play or that you could say to them, you know, I don't know who this is, therapist today. Touching them in a different way. That's all. It's something a little different that makes me so happy. I it up., Martha: thank you so much. I adore you and I listen. Everyone needs a kink coach in their life even. It's just to talk about these things because who else, who else would have all these ideas off the cuff? and I probably will have Tara on again. I can't imagine not having, will you come back, Tara? Yes. But only if we can talk about kink and bdsm.

Martha: 44:36

Okay. So if you wanna hear about kink and B D S M from my friend Tara, please definitely send me some private messages about that. We'll make sure that we, uh, book that soon.

Tara: 44:45

Hmm. Congratulations, Martha. This is awesome. Awesome. So you, Tara, doing.

Martha: 44:50

You're welcome. I'm so happy I could not be happier. I'm in love with it. I'm so happy. I'm myself. I'm my full

Tara: 44:55

self. That's right. Finally,. Martha: Thank you for Take care of yourself and take care of your vagina. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. You think would enjoy it too.