How Does Viagra Change Sex After 50? How Can I Tell If My Man Is Using It? And What's the Deal Marathon Men in Bed As We Get Older? Why Does Midlife Sex Seem to Take So Long?

Martha: Where would you even learn that and realize it wasn't just you or just relational? 

 Martha: Like my situation I just thought was specific to our relationship  

Jen: and. 

Jen like, no, it's not 

MarthaYou're like, no, madam, madam. This is what it's like to have sex with a 50 year old man. Oh, what?  

Jen What's particularly funny though is like before they admit they need to take the pill where you know, they're just getting soft and they haven't yet accepted the fact that they need to do this. that I think is a particularly raw sensitive time for men. 

Jen But I, I went through a period of several men that that was happening to, and I was like, clearly this is. A problem I have, clearly it's my 

Martharight? It must, it must be your vagina. It must be  

Jen must been my, my aloof vagina, 

MarthaYeah. say,  

Marthawhat's interesting too is on the flip side, they also, if they're single or navigating this without a lot of information, maybe they're thinking. . Oh, and it must have just been that girl. 

MarthaOr, oh, it's, we, we just had too many drinks. Because they don't wanna think about now they're gonna need it. So they also are kind of in this weird liminal space where, They're not yet at the point where they're saying, Hey, this is me. This is my lube in the drawer. This is my dryness, or this is my erection situation. 

MarthaThis is what it's like. Welcome. This is 50. They're not there yet because it probably does take time for them to recognize, oh, this is a thing. This is an actual thing.  

Martha: Welcome to the Maloof Vagina Podcast, where we explore the distress and surprise of our midlife transitions. We take menopause seriously, but we don't take ourselves seriously, we believe that learning what to expect in perimenopause can be entertaining. It's inevitable, so we may as well equip ourselves and have a good. 

Martha: In this episode, you'll meet my friend, Jen, who blew my mind last fall with her insights about sex over 50. What's the deal with these marathon love making sessions. Guys are serving up to us as we get older. And what's a sure sign that your man is using Viagra. And not telling you.  

Martha: And what's the way forward navigating our aging sexual organs together. Get the answers to these questions and more in this episode. 

Martha: by the way I would love to stay in touch. So please join my email list@sisterhooddotmyaloofvagina.com. You'll always be the first to know what's going on. And I promise not to spam you. At this point in my life, I'm just too lazy.  

Martha: I'm your host, Martha.  

Martha: And in this conversation, Jen and I revisit that mind blowing revelation about what may be driving the changes we're noticing In our sexual encounters in the over 50 dating world. 

Martha: so I remember not long ago, maybe six months ago, you and I were sitting by the. and I was talking about my then faltering entanglement and describing to you some things that had happened that I had been identifying as perimenopause problems that I was identifying as issues with my body and all of these things. 

Martha: And you, there was a moment when you blew open my brain with just one comment. Um, so I wanted to share that with the audience so Jen and I. We're talking about what it's like to have intercourse, have sex, have an affair, have a relationship with guys in their fifties and their late forties. But the conversation started with kind of musing about how different things were, how they were showing up, how it seemed, how all of a sudden I felt like I had issues that I hadn't had before. 

Martha: And. Jen just kind of lifted the curtain on this thing I had never even thought about. Can you talk about it a little bit? 

Jen: Yeah, totally. How about all the emphasis that, uh, women have on. sex later in life, and men seem to come up with creative ways to deal with what happens to them. And the thing that I started noticing with men over 50 was that love making went on for hours, And was like, why is this going on so long? 

Jen: And there's two schools of thought. There's what they say, which is. We're mature and we know like we take pleasure in the length of time and we enjoyed the moment. And then there's one I think 

MarthaRight. 

Jen which is they can't stay hard. So they begin, like they always have in their twenties, thirties, forties, and then they get soft and so then they decide it's time for some Lingus and they move on down and they go down there keeping pleasure going for you. 

Jen when really you're like, wait a minute. We were in. Full blown intercourse, fun sex, and you just decided to stop and do foreplay in the middle, middle of the episode. And it w and I now realize that it's not about, giving us two hours worth of pleasure. It's about the fact that they can't stay hard for, for a long period of time and they need to mask it. 

Jen And so they. try to take care of us. Um, and yeah, I think that was what I said around the pool  

Marthathat was the shot across the bow. That was the moment when I, I mean, and we were kind of in public a little bit, and I, so I'm like moving my mouth really big and talking in a whisper for the, like, the penis words and the sex words and the, the vagina words. And it was that, that was the thing. 

MarthaAnd I said, what? Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Because that wasn't even what we were talking about. And it started an entire conversation about Viagra. And what's funny is, yeah,  

Jen because when they take the pill, 

Marthayeah, 

Jen that's no longer happening. 

Martharight, 

Jen You no longer get the pause. You no longer get the like 15 minute. Switching it around when they're, when they're actually on the pill, you're having pumping for however long. 

MarthaI mean, cuz really they do wanna, and I listen not every man and maybe not even men in long relationships, cuz I, that's not my experience. So this is, women of a certain age, dating men of a certain age, into these relationships with them and what the sex can be like, especially if you've had a sampling of what's going on and then finding these consistent patterns. 

MarthaYeah. Casual  

Jen Yeah, the casual,  

Jen casual  

MarthaAnd it's just funny how it gets, basically the masking of it, the coverup is, oh, it's just exotic. I like to, I like to fuck all night long. I Right. And, and this idea we're, if you say, if you even indicate like, listen, can we just be efficient? I'd really like for us to start, have the o maybe we can get up and eat some brownies and go to bed. 

MarthaI don't necessarily need to have sex for five hours every time I see you, or three hours, or frankly even one hour.  

Jen And the problem then goes to you. What? You don't wanna take the time to enjoy this? Um, no. I never have I've never needed two hours.  

Jen Like, come on. I also, I've now like I've slept with enough men over 50 and talked to enough over 50. So men are both bragging on how long their love making is going, as if this is like the thing all women want. 

Jen And so the, they're both doing it. And then, it's such a hysteric, like such a phenomenon. And I've, I've raised it occasionally like. Do you think that it might just be because you need the pause that it switches, um, and they have no, we just know, just know that women need more, like this is 

MarthaRight. It's what women want. It's what women want. Jen, women. Women want you to interrupt the pump to go down on them. 

MarthaIt's in all the  

Marthamovies.  

Jen Cause there's nothing better than foreplay after you're already like on your way. 

MarthaYeah. You know what? It just occurred to me, I hadn't thought about this since we talked last time, but also I have seen more pornography in the last two years than I'd had in my entire life 

Jen yeah.  

Marthanow that I'm thinking 

Marthaa lot of this porn. 

MarthaIt's definitely, you know, first of all, everyone's always getting a blowjob in the porn, right? So, you know, the woman's gonna go down on you and maybe bring her friend, but separate from that, she's going to. , you're gonna be having sex and she's gonna be like really, really into it and it's incredible this penis, vagina, sex, and then you're gonna turn around and switch and do something else, right? 

MarthaAnd so that's also what they're watching and masturbating to. And so, you know, this is their tutorial, instructional thing that this is, women wanna be moved and they want their position changed 14 times, and then in the middle of it, they want your. down there and while you're at it, bend over and let me toss your salad. 

MarthaThey definitely are getting that message in places too, so they think this is a good way. Maybe even if they're not having the, the softness issue, they get all these messaging that don't be short. Like don't, you know, cuz that is the joke. 

MarthaLike, oh, two minute man.  

Jen Right? That's what, that's what 13 year old boys do, not 52 year old 

Martharight. So these, these guys are like still prowess in involves length of time in addition to, the com sutra series for you during it, maybe I would love to hear from other people than just us, but maybe there are women out there in their late forties, early fifties who are,  

Marthanow they're thinking. Finally, finally  

Jen Find me that one woman find me 

Marthaand I, okay. Yeah, 

Jen you are not the first person I've talked to about 

MarthaOkay, good. Because I always think I can't like apply my preferences to other people, and I feel like I'm pretty goal oriented. And so the shaming that I got, shamings not the right word necessarily, but that I was so focused on getting it done or doing the thing that I know I like to do. 

MarthaOh, well maybe you're just not that adventurous. , right. Be because I don't want it to be interrupted and turning into beck to oral sex.  

Jen No,  

Jen I'm drawing, um, really big statements about what I think is going on, but I don't think I'm wrong. Like I. Male behavior, even the discovery of Viagra, it is to, we have a problem, find a very quick and rapid solution to not admit it's a problem. 

Jen I've gone soft, so I'm gonna pretend I haven't and I'm gonna do all kinds of other things  

Martharight. 

Marthait's so funny though because it is thoughtful in the sense cuz we're talking about him, right? It is thoughtful. He's thinking. , I wanna still pleasure her. It is, it is also a symptom, uh, symptom of some thoughtfulness, right. That they care. So it's, it's not a complete critique, it's more just an awareness of what's going on. 

MarthaSo then we can shift to the other experience that you get if they do have the blue pill. Because this was the other thing that left me with my jaw dropped I was with a guy who we were long distance and we would not have seen each other for a few weeks and he would show up and within minutes we would be naked. Like it was this instant thing and. , you know, that's what led me to thinking that I was having responsiveness issues, really. 

MarthaAnd when it came down to it, I had other, I'm glad it helped me discover that I was in perimenopause and I definitely have other symptoms.  

MarthaBut it wasn't that my clitoris was, was dying or wasn't working. 

Jen It wasn't warmed up. 

Marthait wasn't warmed up. So I was really focused on this idea that I was in a situation there was so much passion and we hadn't seen each other and he just couldn't, he couldn't wait to stick it in. 

MarthaAnd when I was talking to Jen, I realized that he probably was taking Viagra on the way. because he knew he was gonna have to perform. And you know, now it's routine. he had talked about Viagra in the beginning. So I was aware that he had it, but we never spoke again about whether or not he was taking it, but that he would come in the door with his drug dick, those first encounters when we'd see each other that I was chalking up to just pent up passion were most likely Viagra fueled dick focused moments. So we can talk about that. 

Jen Yes. So since our pool conversation, I have learned more about what the pill actually does. Apparently, it doesn't necessarily drive arousal. What it does is, matches the state of arousal you feel. So I think what happens is when men discover it, they're like, oh my God, finally, I'm not worried about my performance because this is actually matching the way I feel. 

Jen I I actually don't think that your man wasn't feeling all of those. 

Jen Things when he drove into your apartment, he just now had the tool that had been like 

Jen not  

Jen showing up. Yeah, and it hadn't been showing up prior, so he just was like, yes, I've got the right tool. And so then they just go to town. I mean I that and, and they don't, and I have noticed that. They just don't need, I mean, they no longer need the break, so you're no longer, I'm no longer having the rest. 

Martharight? Yeah. And, and no, I, I definitely knew he was into it and into me, and there was that desire there. It was just this idea. When we had the conversation for the first time, I, I, there was some nuance to my memory of how aggressive his penis was showing up in the moment as far as being the center of attention Like a heat seeking missile, needing to get their A S A P, whereas in general, if we had any time together, that's not necessarily how he approached love making, right? It was more making out and doing stuff, but it, when he showed up and it wasn't when I always, when I showed up there, . It was different when I showed up there. 

MarthaSometimes we would eat dinner and or go out or do something. It was something about the drive-in. So I just feel like there was a 

Jen He took it  

Jen in the drive  

MarthaI, yeah, I feel like there's a point in the drive. He knew exactly when he was like 30 minutes away or whatever. He'd gotten it down so at some point when he, he got to a certain city on the beltway that he was popping it. And so when he was showing up, it was kicking in and maybe sometimes he hit traffic and it kicked out in earlier. So he was coming up the stairs to my apartment with a raging heart on. right? sometimes it was more urgent than others. And, and you know, I was happy to see him too, but sometimes I had, slaved over like a beef ganon, or one time I made, And I remember that day, and I'm just now for the first time reflecting on it, he made fun of me for the longest time about how long it took me to make the fu. 

Marthaoh, if you're me, Eight years ago. It's foe, you know it as foe ,  

Martha: Hey,  

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MarthaI had done it in the Instant Pot. I'd fucked up and I hadn't put the seal in there, and so I thought it was cooking. He came and he goes, oh wow, it smells amazing here. But he was all, you know, and I was like, oh no, you know, in the kitchen trying to fix this problem. And I said, oh, go sit over there. 

MarthaAnd I remember looking over and he was sitting there He was a little irritated. How long is it gonna be till this is ready? And I thought it was cause he was hungry. So I'm like cutting cheese and crackers and saying, well here's something to eat. And he's like, no, no, no. He wasn't, it wasn't that he was starving as I was thinking that's why he cared about dinner not being ready. 

MarthaIt was that he had he was probably sitting in that chair hard as a rock and I was not going for it. I was really focused on this recipe that needed to be, there were a lot of steps that were left. and I spent a lot of money on that meat. Uh, I'll tell you, I'll never make fu again. 

MarthaYou could just buy it. It's much better. It's not that expensive. You don't need to make it yourself. It doesn't matter how delicious it is. But, I'm remembering the fuss story differently now what the fuck was going on is that he was in the corner with his, his si. 

MarthaYeah.  

Jen with his his machine operated tool, 

Jen heavy  

Marthayeah, his hammer was ready to go. And it makes me, makes me feel kind of bad because if we'd been communicating about it, I would've first of all, I would've had mercy on him if and if he'd even said, listen. , I took a pill for you, baby. And Can you turn that thing off and can we eat later? 

MarthaI would've for sure done it, but we weren't communicating in that way, so I wasn't aware until you and I sat by the pool and, and until just now. This is the first time I had the connection on a specific memory. I'm like, oh my gosh. 

MarthaOh my  

Marthagosh.  

Jen But the beauty of it all, like we're making fun of it. Not making fun of it, but the beauty of it all is, it is really about wanting to please us in addition to their own kind of ego, which is what I think we're centered on. There is an element of, making sure. That we're getting what we want. 

Jen And you mentioned that earlier, and I, and I do think that that is beautiful. And so I don't wanna  

Jen I don't wanna like go over like eliminate the fact that there is a, a thoughtfulness to it.  

MarthaRight. Well, and really this is just a psa, it's the kind of thing that guys probably know and we don't know. And in that moment, you had cracked open access to this thing that I'd never thought of because I had only dated younger men. 

MarthaI had never really had a relationship with anyone of that age. I'd had. Span of celibacy, and I tend to date pretty close to my own age. And this was my first experience. And I remember maybe it was you telling someone that, oh yeah, he doesn't have to use it. because the very first night he'd come, he, I remember he was fumbling, fumbling around and looking for it and then didn't find it. 

MarthaAnd then we had sex. And then in the morning he said, oh yeah, I mean, I. , I thought I brought one. I was gonna take it. I thought I was gonna need it and I didn't. And I was like, oh. So in my mind from then on, oh, he doesn't need it with me. And I never asked a follow up question. And probably if we'd had a different relationship or it'd continued, eventually it would've come up. 

MarthaCertainly if had that conversation with you, I would have asked him, because I don't care if they take it. It's not anything that he would have to hide from me. And I don't think he was hiding it. I just never asked. I wasn't curious. It never occurred to me to inquire again. And he was so open about it in the beginning. 

MarthaI imagine he would've been open about it during, and then we could have had conversations and it, you know, Hey, I'm not up for two hours tonight, right? Or so take one. Or, let's take our time tonight. Can you not take one. you know, and then, we both would've had that tool in our arsenal for the intimacy, right? 

MarthaAnd I would've known what I was getting into instead. I just never knew. I didn't know what kind of encounter we were gonna have. you know, and it was surprised and, and on fun. I, I would've maybe made something sandwiches. I would've done something different if I had known he was gonna show up and be irritated with a hard, on an erection in the corner of my kitchen. 

MarthaI mean, he just kept looking at me. And it wasn't with desire, it was with annoyance,  

Marthaand, and I  

Martharemember.  

Jen food. 

MarthaI was like, I was, and you know, cuz I wanna please him, right. I was thinking, oh, you never should have cooked this tonight. You should have started sooner. Right. I was super, I was hyper sensitive to the idea that I was making him wait to eat , when really, probably it was more than that. because that wasn't really a big eating night. . If he was on the pill, it was, there wasn't gonna be as much eating 

Jen Yeah,  

MarthaYeah. 

Jen love that The more, yeah, the more, um, communicative. It's a great psa. 

MarthaYeah. I love it. It's nothing to be offended by or upset about or feel bad about. 

MarthaIt's, you know, just as we're changing, they're changing and the same circulatory issues happen and with a previous boyfriend, he told me that, you know, at about 40, the doctor starts asking, 

Marthado you need any Viagra? Do you want any pills? And so he got them before he even realized he would need them because the doctors are like, here, just take it. It's covered. First of all, it's all covered under, under their insurance. Un unlike my hormones, their Viagra is covered. And so he had a bottle and he, you know, he said sometimes it expired and he would throw it away cuz he got it. 

MarthaJust in case, you know, with your, with your male doctors, like, just take. , you think, yeah, I should have this, I might need it some night. And he had taken it a couple times, but he didn't really have an issue yet. so I know it's ubiquitous. I know they get it. I know it's offered to them, and I'm, thrilled they have it, when it comes to confidence. 

MarthaI guess I just have to figure out, as a single woman in her fifties, still out there dating, I have to figure out how to broach the topic in a way that will, help them feel like we can talk about it and be open about it and make choices together  

Marthaabout whether it's gonna work that particular night. 

Jen this is a topic for another conversation, but it's not up to you, Martha. this is about them being comfortable with, we don't need to enable, we don't need to broach, Hey, it's, I understand. Let's evolve. Like my boyfriend brought it up easily, comfortably. I need it the same way. I've got lube in the side drawer cause I'm drying up. I need it. I throw it up. I don't like try to hide it. I don't try to have him be like, oh, like. It is about admitting what's going on and let's just stop pussy footing around the fact that they're not evolving like they need to evolve on their own and they need to be comfortable with their dysfunctional dicks and we don't need to like make it easier for them. 

Jen Like let's have a conversation about, I just want you to know that I am perfectly comfortable with you taking the little blue pill.  

MarthaI'm so about communicating like I was, but I was really taking all the responsibility on  

Marthamyself.  

Jen don't. It's not up to you. It's not, and it's not helping them at all. They need to just step up and realize like it, they will eventually, over time, they will evolve.  

Jen And, uh, catch up to the openness that we all have. Let's get some of them on the, um, let's get some of those men on your aloof vagina, um, podcast. 

Marthawe'd have to have special episodes. It's funny because I have, I have male listeners, I'm aware because they send me messages and some of 'em are friends and some of 

Marthathem are,  

Jen hate me. 

Martha: no, no, not ones who listen. Um, the, uh, and some of them are husbands of friends, right? So  

Martha: got, they're men in my life listening to this. 

Martha: And probably men, I don't know. But, um, some of the episodes really. We get into some hairy stuff like some, some issues. And a lot of them, of course, because we're women, are very menstruation focused. I went back and found the ones where we talk a lot about blood and I, I added N S F M and then wrote ladies only in the title so that they can start finding it right, because they do wanna know what we're talking about, but they don't necessarily wanna talk about,  

Jen Yeah,  

Martha: you know, this transitional menstruation period. 

Martha: But, .  

Martha: Yeah. I, I could have men on, but then I'd have to have some other kinda label for women like this is because that could be triggering to have to listen to particular 

Jen Oh, totally. Then  

MarthaRight. What they think and then their point of view  

Marthaand, and, and, us and then me like kind of pussy footing around it. Cuz I mean, mylo vagina. 

Marthait's an apt name for me if I'm gonna pussy foot around men's problems, cuz I will pussy foot around what they are thinking. Cuz I wanna protect their egos. It's one of my natural states. 

Jen I know. Well, we're trained to do 

Jen that. we 

Jen are.  

Jen trained to protect their egos. 

Marthaam I be triggering for my audience, for me to have a man on? 

MarthaCause it's like Martha, for fuck sake, spit it out. Right. So, oh my gosh, this is so fun. I, I, listen, I knew I was gonna have to have you on the second our conversation turned that day, I thought, oh my gosh, I cannot be the only woman who was completely oblivious. Why some nights were long marathon, multiple going down blah, blah nights, and some encounters are just straight. 

MarthaThe dick leading the way walks through the door with this erection to you. I don't know how long would've taken me to figure it out without you. 

Jen Oh, well, delighted. I wanna talk about this stuff all the time. And I love that you brought up the, um, the porn piece too, cuz that's throwing a wrench into my theory, that is a super significant socialization tool that, right, a two hour feature. I mean, that's what they're lear learning so. 

Jen that in itself is, fascinating as well, cuz I, I suspect that, a lot of what we're seeing now is that too, because they can take their time because , they're not as like up on the pill So, and then they're like, oh, well remember that two hour video I watched, this is what they did. 

Jen So we'll  

MarthaChicks dig it. Chicks dig it. When you em around and change direction and then you say, Hey, now I'm gonna, Now it's p o v, I'm licking your pussy, And you're like, wait a second, I was about to come. 

Jen Right. And  

Jen now you  

Jen just  

Jen mixed it up, right? Yeah. So I, I, um, yeah. I'm happy to talk about this stuff anytime you want.  

MarthaOh gosh. Jenna, I will have you on. I, I feel like we could just have a couple more cups of coffee or pool dates and come up with all sorts of things to talk about it is a different experience when you haven't been married to a guy for a long time. It is a different experience starting the relationships at this stage and then, We're observing things. But because you know, you don't talk about it really, and, and because there's not kind of an example in the world, there's not really an example for us in our cinema, you know, so it happens with us too in the romcoms. There's not an example of what it's like to stumble into sexual relationships with men at this age. 

Marthaand to see how things have changed and the whole landscape changes The truth is 99% of them, it's even worse than when I was younger. 99% of them aren't even gonna get a second date with me, that we're gonna barely make it past the first drink or coffee or conversation because it's such a weird landscape right now. 

MarthaAnd because I'm so set in my ways and I know within minutes if I'm even getting interested, right? So the idea that we get to that point where we're like, okay, now people are gonna be naked and this stuff is happening, where would you even hear that?  

Jen: Where would you even learn that  

Marthaand,  

Jen: and realize it wasn't just you or just relational? 

Jen: Like my situation I just thought was specific to our relationship  

Jen: and. 

Jen like, no, it's not 

MarthaYou're like, no, madam, madam. This is what it's like to have sex with a 50 year old man. Oh, what?  

Jen What's particularly funny though is like before they admit they need to take the pill that was happening to me for a while, where you know, they're just getting soft and they haven't yet accepted the fact that they need to do this. that I think is a particularly raw sensitive time for men. 

Jen But I, I went through a period of several men that that was happening to, and I was like, clearly this is. A problem I have, clearly it's my 

Martharight? It must, it must be your vagina. It must be  

Jen must been my, my aloof vagina, 

MarthaYeah. say,  

Marthawhat's interesting too is on the flip side, they also, if they're single or navigating this without a lot of information, maybe they're thinking. . Oh, and it must have just been that girl. 

MarthaOr, oh, it's, we, we just had too many drinks. Because they don't wanna think about now they're gonna need it. So they also are kind of in this weird liminal space where, They're not yet at the point where they're saying, Hey, this is me. This is my lube in the drawer. This is my dryness, or this is my erection situation. 

MarthaThis is what it's like. Welcome. This is 50. They're not there yet because they're probably also having sporadic sex with different people, and so it probably does take time for them to recognize, oh, this is a thing. This is an actual thing. maybe if you were married or in an ongoing relationship, , you would recognize it and they'd become much more matter of fact cuz you'd be dealing with it on a daily basis with someone that you trusted. 

Jen exactly.  

MarthaI do have a lot of compassion for them. I don't mean to pussy even around, but I do. I can't help 

Marthamyself. So face-to-face, I'm definitely someone who's gonna, dance around to try to make sure they're as comfortable as possible and help usher them into the conversation.  

Jen So you're a caring, nurturing individual. 

MarthaI try, 

MarthaI try. Well, this is great. 

MarthaThank you so much. 

Jen Thank you.  

MarthaI'm gonna, um, look forward to bring you back and, and we will unveil other dating in your forties and fifties 

Marthasecrets. 

Jen wait. Thank you for listening until next time. Take care of yourself and take care of your vagina. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. You think would enjoy it too.